How to rock climb

by Tom Markiewicz on April 14, 2005 has a surprising detailed and accurate guide on how to get started in rock climbing.

The intro is funny as hell though:

Whether you want to impress a girl, find a new hobby, or plan on someday climbing Mount Everest, it’s a very intense sport that requires practice, drive and preparation. This article should not be considered a substitute for a full-day class with a reputable instructor, but it’s the perfect place for you to be introduced to rock climbing.

Here is another humorous extract (though I’m sure it was not supposed to be):

Browse the Yellow Pages or ask your local sporting goods store about climbing destinations in your area. No matter where you live, you’ll find rocks that beg to be climbed.

The Yellow Pages. That’s what I’ve been missing all these years. I’ll just go look up “local crag” the next time I head to a new area.

And one last parting shot:

Now that you’ve learned the basics, you’re ready to enroll in a climbing course and impress everyone with your knowledge. If you follow the proper procedure, you’ll have the time of your life, even if you might still be scared. From there, it’s only a matter of time before you can be like Sylvester Stallone in Cliffhanger. If anything, you’ll be able to impress hotties like Charisma Carpenter, Ashley Judd, Evangeline Lilly, and Lucy Liu, who are into the sport.

Man, if I looked like Sly Stallone, I’d definitely be a 5.14 climber. They all look like that, right?

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